Tuesday, 27 June 2017

She's trying...

After another night of broken sleep, she opens her eyes to another day. She's tired, aching and unmotivated. She rolls onto her side, sighs and checks Twitter, Instagram, Facebook & Youtube. She realises an hour or two have passed, rubs her eyes and gets up to face the day.

Although 'facing the day' is something much different for her. For most, it's waking up, showering, having a nutritious breakfast, getting ready and then leaving the house for a full day of working. For her, it's trying to find the energy to get up, not wanting to eat, throwing on the nearest clothes (clean or not) and moving from her bed to the sofa. 

Every day for the last year or so has been the same for her. Spending endless hours on social media, or just on her phone in general. She would open Twitter and before she knows it hours have passed. She will try to watch TV, or try to read a book or something online, but her thoughts will constantly be a distraction. 

She will think about how she's wasting her days doing nothing positive, how she will never do anything with her life if she doesn't challenge herself or how she will never be as good or successful as those she sees online. She will feel terrible because she can only imagine what her family, friends and people in general think of her. She'll spend her time daydreaming of the life she wants. Wishing and wanting it so badly. Then, again, the negative thoughts begin. 'I'll never have that, I'll never be that happy in life, I'll never have success and be able to have an impact on people.'

She will spend a majority of her day comparing herself to others. Mainly looks wise. She feels empty, inadequate, disgusting and repulsive. She will looks through clothes online that she would one day love to own, but also knowing in the back of her head she will never feel comfortable enough in her body to wear the items she's looking at. She feels disconnected from herself and almost as if her body isn't hers. This is made worse when she has the energy to wash or change into clean clothes. Just catching her reflection in the mirror or looking down at her naked body will turn into analysing every inch of herself. Picking and moving and pulling every part of her body that she hates. 

She's tired. She's so completely exhausted from having to fight these feelings every day. Having to constantly tell herself that she is enough, that she is worthy of living, that she is beautiful no matter what she looks like, even though she doesn't believe it. She tries to find the positives of herself. She tries to tell herself it will get better. She wishes she could explain how she feels to her friends and family but she is constantly worried about how they will react. 

But, apart from all the negative, there will always be a part of her that remains hopeful. She wants to help herself and learn how to love herself. She wants to get to a point where she's comfortable with her body that she can return to a normal lifestyle. She wants to get a job, take up some hobbies, start socialising and get back to how she used to be. She knows in the back of her head she will live the life she wants, she just knows it will be an incredibly long and difficult uphill struggle. 

However, every day, hour and minute, she is trying.


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