Saturday, 16 December 2017

I don't know what I look like... | BLOGMAS 2017 DAY 16

I've touched on my struggles with body image and Body Dysmorphia in the past. You can take a look at those posts here and here. I wanted to talk about something that I struggle with a lot which is not knowing what I truly look like.

This may seem like a strange statement to make. Surely it's not that difficult, you look in the mirror and that's what you look like, right? Wrong. When you live with a warped image of yourself it's very hard to grasp what reality is. 

Let's start with looking in the mirror. I could look at myself in the morning when I wake up, and by the evening see a completely different person. I'll notice something on my face, the way my legs or arms look or I would've magically gained a stone throughout the day. Full length mirrors are my worst enemy. I dread going shopping because nowadays there are mirrors everywhere you turn in shops and I don't DARE try anything on. There's a huge mirror in my house as you go in and out of the front door and every time I catch myself in it I just think to myself 'ugh'. 

Next I wanted to touch on is photos. This is where it really hits home about how badly my mind plays tricks on me. Of course, we all take our selfies in the best lighting with the most flattering angles. That's why whenever I see a picture that someone else has taken of me I feel sick. Surely that's not what I look like? I can't be that fat!? I remember when I was in Florida last year, I managed to muster up the courage to have a few photos of me taken and when I looked at them I had to try my hardest to hold back the tears. I was disgusted with myself for going out in a shorts and dresses when I should've been covered up completely. 

I've struggled with my body image and confidence for as long as I can remember, but it's gotten worse and worse since I've gained weight. I gained 3 stone in 6 months and it still hasn't hit me that I'm not the size 10 girl I once was. So when I see pictures of myself I expect to see a small, toned girl. But what I'm faced with is a fat, gross person. Even when I envision myself I picture myself to be slim. So when I see myself in the mirror or pictures it's a constant battle of being shocked and repulsed by what I see. I get upset when I cant fit into old clothes, when I have to shop for bigger sizes and when I see slimmer girls wearing what I wish I could wear. It's almost as if my mind can't accept what I look like. I have such an image of myself stuck in my head that whatever I do see I can't process that it's me. 

Yes, there are good days where I won't worry as much about how I look or how I feel. I will avoid mirrors as I know it will ruin my mood. I manage to go about my day and sometimes even leave the house without a second thought as to how I look. But, I won't even think to take any pictures of myself and I will stay in baggy clothes to conceal my shape as that's what I'm comfortable in. But as with the good days, come the bad. Days where I feel physically sick in my skin. I want to do everything I can to get out of my body. I wish and wish and wish to be anyone but myself. I won't eat, I won't get out of bed to save others having to look at me and I become distant and overwhelmed with how distressed I get over my appearance. 

I know I should be able to accept myself any way I am, but I simply can't. It's honestly impossible. Until I change what I want to about myself, I won't ever be content. So I'm planning to lose weight next year and make small changes to my appearance to make me feel a bit better. 

On the other hand, I want to start focusing on more than my looks. I want to challenge myself to try and see the other good aspects of who I am without it being about how I look. My body image issues will always be something I battle, but I want to be able to manage it a bit better and not let it control my life like it has the last few years. I need to realise I have other things that are good about me, it's just about being patient with myself and becoming comfortable with myself to open up and know it's okay to like myself.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! :)

I'll be back tomorrow for day 17 of Blogmas, until then make sure to follow me on Twitter here to keep up to date! 

Thanks again for taking the time to have a read of my rambles!!


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