Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Will I ever be okay?

After a shit nights sleep full of insecurity inducing dreams/nightmares, I woke up to the dog chewing up my make up sponge and fully burst into tears. All that went through my head was 'I'm always going to be like this. I'll always be miserable.'

I feel as though I'll been in the Depression lull for so long I don't know if this is just who I'll be for the rest of my life. I can't see myself getting better. For the longest time I've felt so uncomfortable in my body and in my mind. I don't know who I am or who I will end up being in the future and it terrifies me. 

I've been unemployed for 3 years. It's starting to get embarrassing. I constantly feel like a failure and question whether I've just become comfortable not working. If I do look at jobs, instant thoughts of self doubt and anxiety begin to race around my mind that I give up. I'm letting everyone down. I can't sleep sometimes because I'm wide awake feeling awful that I've done this to my family and friends. I always feel like such a burden to everyone around me.

I want to be confident. I want to like myself and be comfortable with who I am and what I look like. I want to be feel strong enough to work and start earning my own money. I want my family and friends to be proud of me. I want to achieve something in my life. I want to be okay.

I don't know how or where I'm going to start, but I will get there one day. 


Laura
xo

2 comments:

  1. Hi Laura

    I kind of relate to this post and I understand how you feel. Having feelings of self-doubt, dread and anxiety every time I looked at jobs, filled in applications or attended an interview used to plague me. I'd been messed around and treated appallingly in previous jobs so I felt put off from the working world. Also, I'm still dealing with trauma day-to-day so that's hard as well.

    My solution: going self-employed and freelancing. I have challenging moments but I am much happier. I like being in control.

    Chichi
    chichiwrites.com

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    Replies
    1. Hello Chichi!Apologies for the late reply. Thank you for your comment - it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way! I would love to find something I'm good at to become self employed! xo

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